20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In-Box."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called therapy."

Awesome Mom

AWESOME MOM!!!

by Brenda Boen
May 6, 2008

(I put this together for a Mom's Luncheon at our Church a few years ago)

Many women do noble things.

… but you surpass them all!

Proverbs 31:29

….Faster than a speeding toddler, more powerful than a cocky teenager, able to leap roller blades and hockey sticks in a single bound!  Look up on that ladder … is that Dad changing a light bulb? a workman painting the ceiling?

NO!!!! It's AWESOME MOM sorting through the laundry pile that has accumulated over the weekend.

Strange alien to a lazy teen, she hustles through the house with power and authority far beyond that of mortal man. Yes it’s AWESOME MOM! … Who’s disguised as a "totally weird creature who never was a kid herself" fights a never-ending battle for TRUTH … JUSTICE … and time alone in the bathroom!

Yes, that’s you….AWESOME MOM!!!!

We salute you today!!

 

But you know, Mom……you’re not the average person who would go unnoticed on the street.  No!  There are many distinguishing traits most would recognize.  Here are just a few…..

You Know You're A Mom…

When your feet stick to the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.

When your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids all over you.

When you think a Popsicle is a food staple.

When your favorite television show is a cartoon.

When you're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

When you suck the dirt off your baby’s pacifier because you’re too busy to wash it.

When you're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer and HE hangs up on YOU!

When spit is your number one cleaning agent.

When you get up at before the sun comes up and go to bed after everyone else does and you still don’t have time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom….yet you still manage to gain 10 pounds.

When your bathroom has toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

When your choice of cereals is based on the fact that it has marshmallows in it.

When you count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

When your kid throws up and you catch it…..but when someone else's kid throws up at a party you keep eating.

When you consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.

When you're out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize you’ve reached over and cut up his steak!

When you can no longer wear black, for fear of massive spit up marks

When you sing “Dora Dora Dora the Explorer” in the shower.

When the only writing utensil you can find in your purse is a crayon.

When you find Goldfish crackers in the glove box of your car.

When you wipe other kids' noses.

When you silently curse people if they call during naptime.

When you forgot your mother-in-law's first name because you now only refer to her as "Grandma."

When you arrange your entire travel itinerary based on McDonald's Playground locations.

When you consider the person who invented the Sippy Cup a genius.

When you consider it a major triumph if you shower by noon.

When you justify every excessive crying spell with “teething”.

When you keep your favorite babysitters name and phone number a secret from other mothers.

When you have your pediatrician's telephone number on speed-dial.

When you consider trading your whole life savings for just one good night of sleep.

When you hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

When you stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

When you donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

When you hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, and then spend half the night checking on the kids.

When your kids wear better clothes than you do.

When you can imagine yourself running down the street with your hair on fire.

When Tylenol PM's become part of your daily vitamin intake.

When you can't bear to give away baby clothes because “it's so final!”

When you’ve mastered the art of placing large quantities of food on a plate without anything touching.

When your purse contains more emergency toys, candy and first aid supplies than it does money.

When you can talk on the phone, pack a lunch & breast feed all at the same time.

When you wonder why you ever feared being alone.

When you can remove chewing gum from just about anything.

When you automatically double-knot everything you tie, including your own shoes.

When you can never go to the bathroom alone without someone screaming outside the door.

When you get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called: 101 Fun Crafts to Do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

When you are so hungry that you search the floors and sofa cushions for cheese nips that haven’t yet been slobbered on.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything".

Yes, AWESOME MOM, we celebrate you! So sit back, put on your pink fuzzy slippers, and bask in the glory of being a totally AWESOME MOM.

 

Many women do noble things.

… but you surpass them all!

Proverbs 31:29

 And remember …

"I will not have a temper tantrum

 nor stomp across the floor—

I will not pout, scream, shout

or kick against the door—

I will not throw my food around

or pick on another—

I'll always try to be real good

because I am the Mother …"

-author unknown